Edward Elric & Roy Mustang's argument
by Shiroi Neko 93
Summary: Roy says the magic word SHORT and Ed snaps. What happens when Roy Is bored and Ed is the only one in the room and all the other subordinates has left? large and funny argument?


**Flaming fucking **_(just a little joke we had)_

_OK, so...Me, Ida, and my friend, Ingvild, started this «Edward Elric & Roy Mustang's Fighting page» where Ed and Roy writes to each other, in a relay mean way, so I decided to write it over to my computer an put it out:P_

_I also decided to add some descriptions between all those mean comments:P_

_Ingvild has written everything Ed says, and I have written everything Roy says, of course there are some sentences that we didn't make._

_We actually wrote every comment between Roy and Ed in my homework book (religion if you want to know) and we didn't cooperate when we wrote those comments so it was relay fun, and we are still going strong! So there will be updates_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist or anything associated to it**_

**Section 1**

Roy stood in his office, not sure what to do. It was raining outside so he didn't wanna go out. He had a large stack of paperwork to be signed, but that was boring. Ed sat in a small corner, writing his report from one of his recent journeys. Roy sighed and sat down behind his desk. It was very late and all his subordinates had gone home, even Hawkeye. He was tired of the damn paperwork, he wanted to do something fun.

And the only fun you could have at the Head Quarter, if Edward Elric was there, was...

«Full Metal, I'm not sure if any one has told you this..but, your short.» Roy smirked and looked over at the young alchemist.

Ed slowly lifted his head, looking at the colonel. He could feel the anger bubble up inside him,he jumped up from his seat and screamed as loud as he could.

«WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT YOU NEED A MAGNIFYING GLASS TO SEE THEM!? You flaming colonel bastard who tries to... rape me every time Riza leaves the office!»

Roy smirked , now this is more like it, he thought for himself while he was building up for his answer.

«Hey, I'm not the only one raping you, your almost asking for it anyway. I mean, you have the perfect height, you don't have to bend down to reach my, you know what. And that is very handy»

_(OK, in a lot of yaoi story's, Roy's raping Ed, and Ed gets raped by a lot of other people 2, but our comment's don usually this kind of thing)_

Ed blushed slightly before he understood exactly what the Colonel had just said.

«I'm taller than Winry now, and if it weren't for those flaming fan girls, I'd probably been Winry's boyfriend by now, so just shut up! You sidekick of a character!»

Ouch, that hurt,_ You side kick of a character_, that little bastard.

«I'm surprised you managed to say all that Full Metal, your so microscopic its a miracle you didn't get lost among all those big words.

And aren't Winry a bit dangerous for you? With the wrench and all, she'll probably hit you so many times you'll shrink and that means you'll be smaller than Winry, again. And you know she doesn't like guys ( or should I say gays?) that's shorter than her."

Ed walked across the room, leaned against Roys desk, leaning forward and almost whispering.

« Careful now, or I'll transmute your condoms into a rubber rope and strangle you with it. You are way to reckless with where you keep those things.

And I'll be able to reach up to you buy using my MAIN CHARACTER POWER!

As for Winry, I'll just transmute her wrench into something else.»

Roy leaned forward, his nose almost touching Ed's. Before he whispered back his carefully planed answer.

«For your information, Full Metal, i don't use condoms. And your ability to react isn't that much to brag about, I think Winry could have killed you before you would be able to transmute that wrench into a flower,

Or with your IQ, you would have transmuted it into a much larger wrench.»

Roy leaned back in his chair, happy with his answer.

_«_Oh, so you don't condoms? Then how many have you made pregnant in your 29 flaming years? And you haven't got anything to say about my IQ, I became the youngest state alchemist ever, at the age of twelve. And people call me a prodigy and a genius all the time.

If you think I'm stupid, read my freezing poem!

_Ravens are black._

_You have no clue._

_I have NO regrets_

_Sincerely_

_I flaming hate you!_»

What the hell was he suppose to answer now? That kid had a sharp tung...

«You know, there is protection for the females too. I'll tell you something Ed, the only reason you are a state alchemist, is because you can transmute without a circle. You can do that because you've been at the gate and seen the so called truth in there.

And we both know why you were at the gate... your poor brother an i realy feel sorry for Mrs Elric..

The fuhrer considered to reject you as a state alchemist, because you would be useless in a war(because of you height... of course)

And the poem you wrote is the worst ever.

_Boys and girls are not the same._

_And you, Ms Ed, is extremely lame._

_That's a nice skirt,_

_Ms Ed._

_Make sure you don't fall in the dirt,_

_Ms Ed._

_You're mother knew you would be short, _

_so I'm surprised she didn't take abort._ »

He might make it...

« Wow Roy, I have always known you would get desperate once you got cornered with that kind of argumentation. But that girl thing was just lame. And just so you know, the fuhrer was personally overseeing my exam to become a state alchemist.

You should know, you were there, and when I demonstrated how easy I could have killed him, you didn't lift a finger. Perhaps because you're little flaming gloves weren't around?

You see, Roy, without your gloves you are USELESS. The only thing you're little fire magic is at any use outside the battlefield, is to light a fire. Are you even capable of transmute anything but fire? And that about my mom... if it weren't for that Al made me promise not to kick the living daylight out of you, you would have been dead by now. And you cannot always rely on the girl (cough of boy cough) to have protection, but you probably don't have to think about that, because you rely on one-night stands, don't you? And so for my freezing poem:

_My boss is mad_

_and is as boring as a stick._

_He fucks everything in sight_

_and is as useless as a wet matchstick._»

«I'm not in any corner at the moment, Full Metal.

Ed, you of all persons should know that I use every chance I can, to get higher up in the rankings. Just so you know, I did happened to have my gloves in my pocket at the time.

I do know how to use normal alchemy, but I'm not comfortable with . And it's better to rely on a couple of gloves than a girl. Without Winry you are useless if your auto mail breaks...

I'm glad Al stopped you, if he hadn't you would have been a very _small_ lump of ashes right now.

I absolutely rely on one-night stand, but you can't do that because if you did, you wouldn't have anyone to take care of your auto mail. Now for my flaming ending line:

Make sure you don't drown in that nail polish.»

_( Ingvild borrowed some nail polish from me the day I wrote this:P)_

« Roy, you know I have so many ways to tell you how big a bastard you are, but if I had taken myself the time to tell you everything, I would have grown past you. There for, I have only one thing left to say; make sure that the next time you decide to get an eye patch, make sure it covers your mouth too.»

« Oh, common Full Metal., we both know that you have more than that to say to me. You are the one in need for a serious mouth patch. And I'm surprised you didn't see that it was Envy disguised as Winry that time. Even I could have looked through that disguise even with my one eye. It almost seems like you are the one wearing an eye patch.

And one more thing, Full Metal:

Make sure you don't lose your left arm and right leg when you try to revive your brain.»

« You know, you should rather think of yourself, when speaking about brains. Seriously, you should sue the guy that transplanted it or get another one, cause that thing only thinks about one thing., and I think you know what I mean, and so does everyone in Central after last week.

Now I'm so sick of seeing your smirking face every day so if you don't give me another clue soon for the philosophers stone, I swear I'll fucking kill you!! And since you are such a flaming loving person, I guess you have nothing against me, wishing you could burn in hell.

Oh, I think it's starting to rain, watch out for puddles now, flaming colonel!

_You are a bastard_

_and you have no class_

_go choke on something_

_before I kick your sorry colonel ass!!_

**End of section 1**

**Ok, so that was the first section, and I have to say sorry because of my bad bullying skills. Ingvild is awesome with her comments! But I think I have some good sentences here and there, mostly at the end. But hopefully there will be more attacking from Roy in the next section**

**And also, sorry for the spelling I hope its not to bad, we're both from Norway so it's a bit hard to get the correct spelling!**

**pleas leave a review, tell us what you think, who is the bes , Roy or Ed??**

**If we dont get a good response on this one we might not put up section two!**


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